Tuesday, September 16, 2008

My Doctrine

I woke up late again this morning. Rob had already left for work, so I was alone -- going about my morning business of making coffee, weighing the pros and cons of showering or getting 20 extra minutes of sleep -- when it appeared.

It possessed a fairly evolved exoskeleton and moved in a slow waddle that shifted the balance of his elephantine body with every step...

I've never been good at dealing with insects or arachnids. I'm indiscriminately afraid of them all and have an unwavering policy on such things. I'm certainly not capable of resolving things passively through a 'catch and release,' so I usually end up throwing a shoe from several feet away just in case the intruder decides to get aggressive -- a preventative attack.

...I stand there frozen, watching the brawny sway of this monster as it lumbers down the hall and approaches the bedroom door. I can't let it reach the carpet. This is do or die. I grab Rob's shoe because it's heavier (and also not my own shoe). I miss. This leaves me one more shoe before I have to start launching my nearby flip flops, which would inflict nothing but a superficial wound and only serve to anger the beast. I thankfully strike and kill on the second toss. Yes!

Now I have to deal with a corpse... I leave the aftermath for Rob when he gets home.

Something like this

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